Isn’t it Ironic?


Well, maybe not.  But it’s at least in the category of those ten thousand spoons without a knife.

This evening, feeling inexplicably blue, I headed to the store in sweatpants (a rarity) and bought sunflowers and swiss chocolate.  I came home, started polishing my nails and put in a Kate Winslet movie that I’d heard would turn my stomach in knots – which for some reason was exactly what I wanted.

The last scene faded to black and my stomach had sufficiently knotted itself, so I went for a drive.   Letting my focus blur the line of red stoplights into a row of  ruby stars, I felt tears creeping calmly down my cheeks.  And as the stars jumped one by one from red to green I brought my vision back into focus, becoming aware as well what was soaking my face.

I felt lonely.  Empty, incomplete.  And not just without company, or even friends.  I don’t see my friends for hours each day anymore, but between work and school and epic cedar point trips with them, I do just fine.  But without a partner.

It’s funny, because this certainly isn’t the first time I’ve been without a lover.  I spent the better (as in larger? greater? mmm) part of 4 years at college single, and I’m no stranger to sharing a bed with no one but a stuffed monkey.

The ironic (or not) thing is that for the first time, I feel happy enough to notice how lonely I am.  During college in the cornfield (plus the Vatican, etc) I got used to a dull depression – the kind of constant anxiety, apathy, and discontent that a person begins to ignore because they are unchanging, and ignoring them allows you to at least feign a good time.  But here, for the most part, I feel great.  I balance work, homework, and a social life well.  I’m spending a lot of time with my biological sister before she goes off to join the collegiate legions, and I’m doing what I can to help take care of the people I care about.  For once I am actually interested in what I’m studying in school; I leave the class more energized than I came.  I’m starting to be able to watch romantic comedies again, I smile at children, and I sleep almost every night without incident.  Honestly things are pretty damn good.

Except for that pesky loneliness.  The problem is, now that I’m not used to a constant low-grade-misery, I actually notice when I feel down.  Because now I have almost everything, I can feel the one thing I’m missing – a pair of eyes to stare back into mine.  Eyes ready to listen, ready to fight, ready to play.  Eyes filled with love, not need or adoration.  Eyes ready to exchange a quick glance and then follow my gaze out to the rest of the world, watching, feeling, living.  together.

“The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!”  -Jane Austen



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