Well, maybe not. But it’s at least in the category of those ten thousand spoons without a knife.
This evening, feeling inexplicably blue, I headed to the store in sweatpants (a rarity) and bought sunflowers and swiss chocolate. I came home, started polishing my nails and put in a Kate Winslet movie that I’d heard would turn my stomach in knots – which for some reason was exactly what I wanted.
The last scene faded to black and my stomach had sufficiently knotted itself, so I went for a drive. Letting my focus blur the line of red stoplights into a row of ruby stars, I felt tears creeping calmly down my cheeks. And as the stars jumped one by one from red to green I brought my vision back into focus, becoming aware as well what was soaking my face.
I felt lonely. Empty, incomplete. And not just without company, or even friends. I don’t see my friends for hours each day anymore, but between work and school and epic cedar point trips with them, I do just fine. But without a partner.
It’s funny, because this certainly isn’t the first time I’ve been without a lover. I spent the better (as in larger? greater? mmm) part of 4 years at college single, and I’m no stranger to sharing a bed with no one but a stuffed monkey.
The ironic (or not) thing is that for the first time, I feel happy enough to notice how lonely I am. During college in the cornfield (plus the Vatican, etc) I got used to a dull depression – the kind of constant anxiety, apathy, and discontent that a person begins to ignore because they are unchanging, and ignoring them allows you to at least feign a good time. But here, for the most part, I feel great. I balance work, homework, and a social life well. I’m spending a lot of time with my biological sister before she goes off to join the collegiate legions, and I’m doing what I can to help take care of the people I care about. For once I am actually interested in what I’m studying in school; I leave the class more energized than I came. I’m starting to be able to watch romantic comedies again, I smile at children, and I sleep almost every night without incident. Honestly things are pretty damn good.
Except for that pesky loneliness. The problem is, now that I’m not used to a constant low-grade-misery, I actually notice when I feel down. Because now I have almost everything, I can feel the one thing I’m missing – a pair of eyes to stare back into mine. Eyes ready to listen, ready to fight, ready to play. Eyes filled with love, not need or adoration. Eyes ready to exchange a quick glance and then follow my gaze out to the rest of the world, watching, feeling, living. together.
“The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!” -Jane Austen